Forever In Contract

The potential future homestead. Hey, you wouldn't look good if you were left alone for two years either.
















Better days, back in '07:




For those who don't know, and at this point I have no idea who that may or may not be: I'm buying a house.
Maybe.
Probably.
Or at least trying. (and if blogging about it doesn't jinx this whole deal, I don't know what will.)

For those of you who have lived the past few years as adults, this probably doesn't seem like a big deal. People buy and sell houses every day, or so I hear. For me, this is a stunning leap into adulthood and (gasp!) permanence. Buying a house means my dreams of moving to a cabin in Montana and mailing pipe bombs all day will have to wait until retirement. It means I'm staying in Columbus, at least for the forseeable future.

People ask me where the house is and I respond "Westgate." They then stare at me. I then say "It's in Hilltop." Their faces cringe. "Hilltop? THE Hilltop?" I can't blame them. I've made the same face.

It seems my biggest decision upon moving into Hilltop will be whether to be a Blood or a Crip. I'm still not sure which I'll choose, but it's probably a good thing I traded in my red VW a couple months ago. It seems ever since I made the offer the local news has led every broadcast with the statement "Another shooting in Hilltop..."

EMERGENCY UPDATE: CASINO, BITCHES...

Thanks to the imaginary outrage drummed up by the Dispatch and a fabricated controversy encouraged by the city, Penn National Gaming has decided to build its constitutionally-mandated casino about a mile from the house I am attempting to buy. (Of course depending on the rest of Ohio going along with this mess during a May statewide referendum. And I think it's great that Jerry Jackoff in Meigs County gets a voice in where Columbus puts its sin parlor.)

But returning to the point - that's right, suckers! CASINO. ONE MILE FROM MY FRONT DOOR. Have you ever wanted to spend hours on end next to elderly ladies who can simultaneously suck an oxygen mask and a Basic Light while repeatedly pushing buttons that flash and make lots of noise? I will have that option EVERY NIGHT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Jealous? Oh, I know it.

But more importantly, an enormous casino, sports bar, hotel, monkey racing track, $4.95 surf and turf buffet can only do wonders for my new home neighborhood - the West Side. And one new addition - a 24-hour liquor license. Sweet. Can't wait to try and get out of that parking lot alive at 4 a.m.

Sure, other neighborhoods were worried about "hookers" and "crack" and "gambling addiction."
Well shit, brother, we already got that! Now it's just endorsed by the state of Ohio.

Top 5 Casino names:
1. "Hollywood on the Hilltop"
2. "Wolfe's Folly"
3. "Jim Treseel Hard Rock Cafe"
4. "Westland Mall Memorial Casino and Blackjack Parlor"
5. "The Golden Cougar"


BACK TO YOUR PREVIOUSLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING

So, about the house. It was a foreclosure so I'm thriftily and cold-heartedly taking advantage of someone else's problems. Hooray for me and the shitty economy. Oh, and the government's giving me a bunch of money. Like a million dollars or something.

But there are issues with purchasing a foreclosed house:
A) It's been empty for two years so everything leaks, is broken and has mold on it. But those are things I can probably fix or hire someone else to fix while I go play blackjack.
B) The deed isn't recorded. This is a slightly bigger problem as I can't move in until somebody in the sheriff's office records the deed. Unfortunately, since the economy tanked and every other house in the world went into foreclosure, that leaves a big stack of deeds at the sheriff's office. So, the closing date is set for Feb., but it's more likely I won't be able to move in until March. That feels just north of forever at this point.

Regardless - home ownership here I come!

Probably.

Hooray for Holidays

I've spent the past couple weeks in a mostly prone position, keeping my couch nailed to the floor and watching football.

Bowl games, mostly. And of the bowl games, about 148% of these games are on ESPN. This means I get a truckload of the same commercials. Again and again and again. Here's what I've learned:

1) While I currently urinate properly, I will probably need FloMax sometime soon. I'm not sure what it does or what it's for, I just know that going to the bathroom frequently will cause me to miss key moments in the sporting event I am attending or the sport I am playing or a key scene at a movie/play/dramatic reading. Basically, get FloMax or spend the rest of your natural born life at a urinal while something really cool is happening.

2) Urine issues are not the only thing wrong with my junk. I need Cialis so I can sit in a bathub next to my wife. Why do we have matching bathtubs again? I usually shower. Can she be in the bathtub and I'll take a shower? Guess not. Okay, bath tub. Got it.

3) Dear Taco Bell: Your latest commercial which promotes man asking if the 89-cent deal he got the day before "Is that still cool?" is clever except for a couple faux pas (s? How do you pluralize faux pas?):

- I realize hired actresses play the young lasses working in the Taco Bell, BUT no Taco Bell employee has ever looked like these two - all freshly scrubbed and smiles lacquered in teeth whitener. Have you ever seen your employees? They have acne. Lots of it. Even if they're adults. And those are the good ones. Most of them have some kind of open sore dripping into the salsa.

- Did you notice how CLEAN their uniforms were? Have you ever SEEN the uniforms your employees wear? These are the dirtiest, nastiest, smelliest damn things anyone has ever put on. They're encrusted with cheese remnants, rotting sour cream and what I hope and pray is not blood and or mucus. I think half of them wash these things in the refried beans.

- These young ladies are extraordinarily peppy considering they work at Taco Bell. Have you ever met your employees? Half the time they hand me my change with one hand and slice themselves with razor blades with the other. Nobody is happy to work at Taco Bell. At best, they don't shoot you or hock into your refried beans.

D) Verizon and AT&T can suck it. I don't give a crap about your 3G coverage. And Luke Wilson just....just stop. just freaking stop.