I am f*ing tired of these guys

With all this free time I've been catching up on my daytime TV. And my nighttime TV. And the other TV. I watch a lot of TV.

And being a total geek, I often find myself watching the History Channel or A&E or NatGeo or The History of A&E on NatGeo.

But here's the thing, cable television programming executives, I am f*ing tired of your stream of manly reality shows. I think you're familiar. You know, manly, middle-aged dudes who all wear matching plain T-shirts and try real hard to look like they don't work out and pretend like they're normal fucking dudes who know how to fix everything and plant everything and love to drive pickup trucks and get dirty.

Like this d-bag.

This, seriously, is a show about slicing shit in half. This d-bag is going to wear tight, plain T-shirts and slice shit in half. AND THAT IS A F*ING TV SHOW.

Listen, I'm not saying these people don't exist. I've seen lots of guys who fix shit and drive pickup trucks and get dirty. AND THEY LOOK NOTHING LIKE THESE MEN. They're rednecks, God love 'em. I should know, I'm related to a few. Nice guys. But they ain't pretty and they usually wear more Confederate flags.

AND THEY DON'T HAVE A GODDAMN TV SHOW.

Oh yeah, and enough of Dangerous Fishing and Real F*ing Loggers or whatever the hell that crap is. Wanna impress me? How about you fish for shark while log rolling down the freaking Colorado River? Dangerous Fishing. Give me a freaking break. It's FISHING. LOGGING? You are filming people KNOCKING OVER TREES. TREES DON'T EVEN FIGHT BACK YOU AHOLES.

So here's what I want in my reality TV shows - I want real American men. I want men who like to sit on the couch and watch football and sort of know how to fix shit but really don't want to so they pretend like they don't know and just hire Johnny Jerkoff from down the street to come fix it so they don't have to and besides I DVR'd The Mentalist.

I want whiny men who drive foreign sedans and think going to the gym is really hard and a pain in the ass and listen to talk radio or sing along with XFM's The 80s when they play The Bangles cause Suzanna Hoffs was hot in 1986.

I want guys who wear T-shirts with actual logos on them and don't have triceps and play Xbox until 2 a.m. cause they're very close to winning the Stanley Cup for the 9th straight season on NHL 'O9 and then they think getting up in the morning sucks and they almost never blow anything up or slice it in half or really give two shits about how a pneumatic drill f*ing works.

Jesus. Is that so hard?