Hooray for Holidays

I've spent the past couple weeks in a mostly prone position, keeping my couch nailed to the floor and watching football.

Bowl games, mostly. And of the bowl games, about 148% of these games are on ESPN. This means I get a truckload of the same commercials. Again and again and again. Here's what I've learned:

1) While I currently urinate properly, I will probably need FloMax sometime soon. I'm not sure what it does or what it's for, I just know that going to the bathroom frequently will cause me to miss key moments in the sporting event I am attending or the sport I am playing or a key scene at a movie/play/dramatic reading. Basically, get FloMax or spend the rest of your natural born life at a urinal while something really cool is happening.

2) Urine issues are not the only thing wrong with my junk. I need Cialis so I can sit in a bathub next to my wife. Why do we have matching bathtubs again? I usually shower. Can she be in the bathtub and I'll take a shower? Guess not. Okay, bath tub. Got it.

3) Dear Taco Bell: Your latest commercial which promotes man asking if the 89-cent deal he got the day before "Is that still cool?" is clever except for a couple faux pas (s? How do you pluralize faux pas?):

- I realize hired actresses play the young lasses working in the Taco Bell, BUT no Taco Bell employee has ever looked like these two - all freshly scrubbed and smiles lacquered in teeth whitener. Have you ever seen your employees? They have acne. Lots of it. Even if they're adults. And those are the good ones. Most of them have some kind of open sore dripping into the salsa.

- Did you notice how CLEAN their uniforms were? Have you ever SEEN the uniforms your employees wear? These are the dirtiest, nastiest, smelliest damn things anyone has ever put on. They're encrusted with cheese remnants, rotting sour cream and what I hope and pray is not blood and or mucus. I think half of them wash these things in the refried beans.

- These young ladies are extraordinarily peppy considering they work at Taco Bell. Have you ever met your employees? Half the time they hand me my change with one hand and slice themselves with razor blades with the other. Nobody is happy to work at Taco Bell. At best, they don't shoot you or hock into your refried beans.

D) Verizon and AT&T can suck it. I don't give a crap about your 3G coverage. And Luke Wilson just....just stop. just freaking stop.