Attention Friends!

I have great news!
Well, great news for me. For you, not so much.
Today, I found a story that is about to change everything. In this particular article, scientific researchers have discovered, through what they like to call "research of a scientific nature," that having fat friends makes you fat.

Finally, a reasonable conclusion.
For years, I was under the impression that my being fat was my fault - that poor diet and lack of exercise, combined with a genetic code equivalent to a talking pile of pizza, was at the root of my ever-expanding waistline.

Turns out that's a falsehood.

So, what was to blame?

YOU, dear reader/friend/associate/relative/coworker/other, YOU.

As an American, I have rights. And one of those rights is the right for YOU to not make me fat.

Looking back, it's almost laughable that I had the unmitigated gall to blame myself for my own physical condition. As if it were my responsibility. Puh-leeze! Hel-lo! (Insert other overused invective here.)

As an American, I have rights. And one of those rights is to blame everyone else for my problems and expect financial reparations.

To rectify this situation, I'm suing you. Yes, YOU - anyone I have ever come in contact with who I consider a friend or acquaintance. I have a list and my attorneys will be in touch.

Now, I know what some of you are saying. You're saying, "but PDawg, the study says fat friends make you fat. I'm not fat."

Maybe so, friend/acquaintance/reader/other. We'll see. My attorneys will be holding weigh-in sessions throughout the month of August and comparing your weight to the Body Mass Index chart. A pound over and you're on the list, chubby. I'd suggest going to the gym tonight.

Also, we'll be considering your weight at the time I knew you. So, former coworker who I ate wings with at BW3 in 1998, you may be skinny now, but back then, you were a couple pounds heavy. You're on the list.

Other things that will get you on the lawsuit:
A) ever wore jeans labeled "Husky."
B) ever ripped crotch of pants.
C) ever ate more than one quart of ice cream, bag of Cool Ranch Doritos in single sitting
D) ever drank beer with or near me
E) ever ordered a "Pork Pie" (if it's in a pig, put it on the pizza)
F) Ding Dongs, King Dons, King Dongs or Funions
G) ever thought Gwyneth Paltrow really knew what it was like to be "heavy" during the filming of Shallow Hal

In determining damages, my attorneys and I attempted to remain fair and reasonable. There's no reason for this to get ugly. I'm fat and I want my money. That's all. It's business. I'm asking for $4 billion.
Really, that sounds worse than it is. I know a lot of people. I've also added the following list of people/corporations to the lawsuit:
A) Hostess (Fruit Pies, damn you, you know you are my friend.)
B) Rupert Murdoch
C) David and Victoria Beckham
D) Big Tobacco
E) Apple
F) The 1982 Cincinnati Reds
G) Genesis (without Peter Gabriel)


You'll be hearing from my representation.

in the meantime, let's get together. We'll have a beer, maybe some quesadillas. What the hell do I care? It's your fault.