Get it together, Ron

C'mon, Ron.

Not only is Ron some kind of unemployed extra from Born on the Fourth of July who spends his days stealing copper to fuel his crystal meth habit, no Ron didn't even have the g*ddam courtesy to die in a non-embarrassing manner like the rest of these brave people being portrayed by actors in still photos.

See, Ron, American Electric Power isn't concerned about whether or not you steal their copper wiring. Ron, American Electric Power wants you to live a good wholesome life filled with happiness and don't die like a fucking chump, Ron.

And for God's sake dont' die on our power lines in a way your family could sue us, dumbass.

I mean, Ron, did you SEE the other people in the commercial? The lady cop. Dead. Firefighter? Dead. Cancer lady? Dead. But dead in appropriate ways, Ron. Even heroic, Ron.

Jesus, Ron. Get your shit together.

West Virginia+Las Vegas =

.38 Special: Coming soon to a casino near you.


Father's Day!!
So, yes, for a Father's Day celebration me and Sam headed to Wheeling, W. B. G. Va. for a little dinner and gambling fun. (I'm a classy son.)

The fun didn't last long though. Dad got smoked on slots and I got hammered at the Blackjack tables rather quickly as the player who was drawing before decided it was his sole goal to collect every card in the deck. (uh, did you really just hit an Ace-Nine with the dealer showing a nine? what????)

He was one up on the 122-year old lady next to him, who stopped taking oxygen long enough to take a drag on her smoke. Twice I was pretty sure she was dead, but she managed to make the "hit me" motion with her fingers.

Best hand of the night? The lady who split her Aces, only to draw two more aces.

Ahh, Wheeling Island, the crass/gawdy parts of Las Vegas combined with the ghettos of Wheeling. The best of both worlds.

No offense to anyone. I'm only angry cause I lost so quickly. Usually it takes awhile before my money's gone. Not this week. The Island wasn't f'ing around.

Besides, I'll be back at the Island - Styx, REO Speedwagon and .38 Special are there in two weeks!

Speaking of .38 Special, can someone explain the meaning of the lyrics to their classic "Hold On Loosely"? They have always confused me.

Side note:
Best sign in St. Clairsville, Ohio? The giant blue one for VASECTOMY.COM.

This one hurt just a tad

My life in the 90s. And part of the 00s. And most of the 80s.
Dammit.

Don't Ask. Don't F*cking Care

So this guy's gay.

Couldn't miss it as it was the lead story on the front of Yahoo! today. Would have meant more if I knew who the hell he was.

Either way, I'm tired of celebrities coming out of the closet in magazine spreads.

I don't care about your sexual orientation. I don't care if you're straight, gay, bi or you like to hump puppies in an empty refrigerator box. It's none of my g&ddam business.

Now, dance attention-starved monkey, dance!

Dear Jackass

It already says Range Rover on the back of your SUV.
It also says Range Rover on the license plate holder.
Therefore, I decree your personalized license plate of "RNGE RVER" to be repetitive, annoying and bleeping stupid.

Sincerely,
Phil

Blogcation officially over

Sorry 'bout the delay, I've been busy keeping my couch pinnned to the floor or else that sucker would run clean away.

Actually, there were some computer issues as well.


Anyway, I'm here to complain about my excellent health insurance. See, during the periods of my life when I didn't have health insurance or had crappy insurance, which was, uh, any time preceeding 2007, I spent about 0 hours in the doctor's office.

Simply put - I couldn't afford to be sick. I had one surgery (I still miss you, gall bladder. Call me.) but other than that I ignored all aches and pains, assuming they would just go away or I'd die. It was a healthcare philosophy that worked incredibly well seeing as I'm still alive.

But now, I have a very nice health insurance package with my cushy corporate life and I can actually afford to go see the doctor. So, I do. I've seen more doctors in the last two years than the 15 previous. And the more you go to the doctor, the more shit they find wrong with you.

The latest? TMJ. (See diagram above.)

I don't really know what TMJ is, but it can hurt like a mother. So, now I gotta get some kind of mouth guard to wear while I sleep. I had one when I was 13. Glad to see I'm regressing.

And I'm already wearing those breathe right nose strips on my nose. Now a mouthpiece. Maybe I'll just start sleeping in a goddam football uniform.

Old-timey Tea Party

Easter in the 'Ville

That's Carter. Yes, he's that cute. And that hair is freaking perfect. I offered up to his Mom that she should start shaving his head and selling that stuff. No go. Carter is also bilingual. Okay, I should say that he seems to understand his Mom yelling at him in Spanish.

other Easter notes:

- Attention all drivers: I know you love your cruise control. But, if you are behind a semi, going 58 with the cruise on - if you pull into the passing lane to pass, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO TAKE THE CRUISE OFF AND SPEED THE F*CK UP. IN FACT, IT IS YOUR MORAL G&*DDM IMPERATIVE TO SPEED UP.

- Wheeling Island took some it's money back from my last trip there. Doris was not a friendly dealer.

- There are two Japanese steakhouses in the greater Steubenville/Weirton metropolitan area. That seems excessive.

- My Dad is less than enthralled with the Pittsburgh Pirates TV announcers.